Since I left my 9 to 5 job recently, I have lots of quiet time to reflect and observe my ego. What I have observed about myself, does not impress me. When I was working a 9 to 5 job, my mind was preoccupied with work and managing my job. However, after leaving this frenetic job, I have a lot of quiet time. I am using this time wisely to process my inner thoughts, particularly those of my ego.
I see another side of myself. My ego is still hyperactive and hyper-vigilant, symptoms I thought I had dealt with and resolved. I realized that I still have much work ahead of me. One clear sign is that I never resolved my failed marriage where I was a co-dependent and caretaker needing control. As with all caretakers, we burn out and become fed up with the overwhelming responsibilities of caring for others.
This part of me is still unhealed. I derive my self esteem in my role as caretaker, and others become dependent on my role. I also derive a sense of false control of my environment as this caretaker, and it also comes from a place of guilt. In almost all instances, my relationships with these individuals failed. When I tried to break free of this codependency, those I took care of resented me and became angry towards me. This cycle has occurred repeatedly in my life.
I also realize that this codependency is what my ego needs. It begin with my low self esteem and then driven by guilt of needing to care for my parents when I was a child. I also know that if I am to break this cycle, I must stop playing the role of caretaker and controller. This is the beginning of changing this cycle of codependency resulting in many failed relationships. Thus, my journey continues . . . (Copyright 2019 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)