Many in the spiritual community will tell you, healing occurs in many emotional layers much like peeling an onion. The spiritual journey is a spiral going around and around, and many times returning to the same issues, but we are now able to see it from another perspective. This is what I have discovered.
As many of my readers know, I experienced sexual, physical, and emotional abuse as a child. During my healing process, I went through many layers of my emotional pain. First as apathy/depression, then as anger/rage, and now anguish/grief. This layer of emotional pain first appeared to me as fear of unworthiness and failure from my low self esteem. However, after further introspection, my greatest fear is rejection and being unlovable.
As a child, the only love I received from my parents involved conditional love. These conditions were many, including excelling at school and extra-curricular activities, if I did my chores, if I agreed to do what they demanded, if I did not make waves, among others. Because I grew up with my grandparent as my parent left me with them, I did not join my family until I was eight years old. I became the scapegoat for my parents’ many deep seeded problems of mental illness, child molestation, and physical abuse. Because I was the outsider, I became the target of their violence and abuse, although my sibling also suffered.
As an adult, I became a pleaser, pacifier, and go along to get along kind of person, because I feared being rejected, alienated, and being unlovable. I did what others asked of me and constantly feared retaliation by others, as my parent would retaliate with physical and emotional threats when I failed to comply with their demands. As an adult, I constantly struggle with standing up for myself, protection myself, and taking care of myself. The beliefs taught and shown to me as a child made me believe that I was not deserving of love, protection, or care.
I am trying hard now to change those beliefs in order to love, protect, and care for myself. What others think or feel about me is really none of my business. It is only what I think and feel about myself that matters. Breaking down these beliefs of guilt, self sabotage, self hatred, and self harm must take place in order for me to live a healthier, happier, and more peaceful life. (Copyright 2019 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)
Pathway to Joy and Healing 
It is a hard journey but when you begin to ‘see’ it as you have, then each step regardless if it goes forward or back, is a positive for you in its understanding.
Love and light for your journey ❤️
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