Facing My Biggest Fear

In my earlier post, I shared my fear of rejection and feeling unloved.  Well, my worst fear came true.  Just as I wrote about this earlier, I still must be resisting it, and now I manifested this exact thing in my life.  My partner and I have been talking about getting married.  However, this past Friday evening, he came home from work, and told me about consoling a relatively new young female coworker who always needs his guidance and help, and he was so proud to help her.

At first I did not take much notice, then I heard in his voice about not being ready to get married.  Although I felt hurt, I attributed this to my own fears and also many people are not ready to get remarried after a traumatic divorce as my partner experienced.  Then at dinner time, I sense something wasn’t right.

I saw on his cell phone a text he sent to this woman with a picture of himself.  He never shared with me that he sent anything personal to this woman individually, so I confronted him about it.  He claimed that he was simply being nice to her, and I responded that it was Sunday evening, and he was sending personal texts along with his photo to a married coworker during non-work hours.

This is not the first time I have encountered this type of behavior.  It first began with my father who had mistresses; many of them were married.  My previous boyfriend had an ongoing affair with a married women for many years.  I finally left this previous boyfriend who destroyed our relationship, and broke up the marriage of this married woman with whom he had an affair.

I have asked my current partner to no longer send personal texts, emails, or correspondences to his female coworkers as it may be perceived as sexual harassment in the workplace, and I also do not approve of his behavior with them.   I asked him to honor my request and boundaries that I need for our relationship.  I have attempted to love him without conditions, except for those behaviors that hurt us.

I am so hurt and demoralized by these events, but I must release this fear or I will bring more of this pain and suffering into my life.  I am practicing nonattachment now. For those who don’t want to love me or want to be with me, I must accept what is and not live in fear of this.  I cannot make others love me, and others cannot make me feel loved.

This love and security can only come from within me.  I also realize that I am strong, loving, kind, and compassionate.  Those who are meant to love me, will, and those who cannot love me, will not.   I cannot control how others feel about me or behave towards me. Accepting this is the first step to releasing this fear.

There is a deep sadness within me for these losses in my life.  The men I loved, particularly my father, abandoned me and my family emotionally to be with other women.  Later the men I met, looked elsewhere for their needs and affections.  Maybe I just need to mourn these losses, so I can move forward to a life without this pain and suffering.  May I be guided by the Divine through this dark part of my journey. (Copyright 2019 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Author: WBrooke Chang

Hi, I'm Brooke who will be taking you on a healing journey to a more joyful life. I will serve as your guide on this healing journey sharing my insights, knowledge and experiences. I hope you will join me! View all posts by WBrooke Chang