Free Will – Pathway to Joy and Healing

Creating Our Illusions

Through addiction, we create an illusion for our lives. Some are addicted to people called codependency, some to places called destination addiction, some to substances such as drugs or alcohol, and some to activities such as work, gambling or gaming.

Addiction is a form of self medication or negative coping skill we developed to deal with our trauma or loss. It is a way of escaping or suppressing the negative emotions that exist within us. We even find others or are attracted to others with the same addiction to validate our illusions.

I had destination addiction for a long time. The big difference in my life now is I no longer wish I am somewhere else to be happy. Every day, I recalled an exotic location to dream about my happiness there. These day dreams would be a romantizied memory of my past. This is called destination addiction, and truly is only an escape from my unhappy life.

I am learning to find happiness within myself wherever I am. True happiness does not exist in another place, even a beautiful place. True happiness is in the current moment in your present life. May you find happiness where you are! (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with all rights reserved.)

Living in Fear

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Most of us may not even realize it, but we live with constant fear nearly every minute of every day. Fear is not just about being frightened about any particular thing, person, or event, it is a mental state. This is what I feared. I feared change, abandonment, rejection, trusting others, being unlovable, being unworthy, being alone, and being injured again.

The problem with this fearful mental state is that we do not take any risks, and cannot grow or move forward. Although I wanted very much to move foward, I was stuck and living in the purgatory of this mental state. I lived in this misery for a long time.

Another problem with living in this fearful mental state is that we will attract this exact energy that we fear. Like energy attracts like energy, and I met others who abandoned me, rejected me, told me I was unworthy, deceived and lied to me, or physically or sexually injured me. I created more misery for myself, and lived in this misery for a very long time.

The third problem is that our perceptions because of our fears will keep us in this fearful mental loop. If we fear being abandoned, we attract this energy into our lives, and then we are abandoned by them. We convince ourselves that we are victims because what we fear actually came true so others are doing this to us just like we fear. This is called victim mentally, and I lived in this misery for a even longer time.

A critical part of moving forward and overcoming these fears is our willingness to face our own fears. This is what I did. I decided to leave my marriage and live alone because I fear being alone. I purchased a house and a car on my own. I began to change my life first with small things like standing up for myself, uncluttering my life as I can be a hoarder, and learned to set healthy boundaries.

I began to work on my self worth and esteem by learning to accept who I am, including my light and darkness, with the belief that I can overcome my darkness. I began to take care of myself by going to the doctor, exercising, eating healthier, and making better life choices. I coupled these efforts with emotional release practice, and other healing modalities. Please see my earlier post on “Emotional Release Practice.”

In other words, I began to work on myself by looking inward, and taking responsibilty for my own life choices. With these efforts, my life started to change as I began attracting different people, situations, and events into my life that was different from my earlier life. This is how I know what I am doing is actually working.

When we confront our fears, and take responsibility for our life choices, we begin to attract very different energy into our life, and the outcomes reflect this new energy. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

New Lenses, New Perspectives

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The final days of this phase of my spiritual journey allows me see the last five years in a different perspective. What I tolerated earlier on my journey, simply is unacceptable now. My level of toleratnce for bad behaviors become less, and the quality of my life has improved significantly. The two things are directly proportional, and it is we who sets the appropriate boundaries for those engaging in bad behaviors.

As we heal, we begin to see our world through different lenses. It is this different perspective that is the manifestation of true changes and growth. Through these new lenses, we simply see our reality in a different way. As a result, we make different and better choices for ouselves, and react and feel differently about our reality.

As I have sold my home here, completed my current job here, accepted a new job and rented a new home in California, I am free to move forward onto the next phase of my spiritual and emotional growth. For the first time, I realize there is no end to this evolution of our souls. It continues to evolve higher and higher, and where it ends no one knows.

I am grateful I have found this path forward as I have been lost and floundering for many soul lives. In this life, it is meant for me to heal my soul wounds, and become the soul I am meant to become. It is my soul that I am healing and spirtually growing, as I know this body will only be on this earth for short time. My spirit shall rise, and my soul life will be forever transformed. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Finding the Light

I awoke this morning with such gratitude in my heart. Yesterday, I sold my house, and also got a second interview for a university job I want in California! There has been so much synchronicity in my life now with each moment of each day.

The couple who bought my home wants to close on a specific date in January. It just so happens to be the same date the new semester begins at the university where I want to work. What are the chances of that?

I am listening to my intuition to guide me to the next step of my journey. The location of this job is perfect as it is about 2 hours from my family with just enough distance for a healthy buffer, but close enough to visit for a weekend or for the holidays.

This next position continues my calling to work with sexually assaulted students as well as protect minority students that is so important now with the changes in the political climate in the United States. I feel so very blessed on my spiritual journey forward, and it seems that I finally found my way out of the darkness into the light. Blessings of light and love to you. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

The Right Path?

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How do you know if you are on the right path for your life? This is how you know. The path comes naturally without great struggle or resistance. You will be chosen for the job that is right for you when you are ready. You will just meet the person who is right for you when you are ready. I am not saying that you don’t need to apply for the job or show up to the interview on time, or that you don’t need to work on relationships.

The things that are meant for us will come to us when we are ready. It will appear through synchronicity. If you struggle or feel resistance, it is because it is what your ego wants so you try to control it. The trick is to find acceptance when you don’t get what you want, because it is not meant for you.

This may seem counter-intuitive because we have been taught to go out there and get what you want. What we have control of is giving our best effort and working hard in our work and relationships. It is not to force and control ourselves and others into a job or relationship we “want.”

Breaking the Bonds of Codependency

This weekend is a great exercise in letting go, and breaking free from codependency. Codependency is the oppositve of love as it is our need to fill the void by another because we cannot love ourselves. Do not confused codependency with love. If you have not learned to love yourself first, your relationships are codependencies.

Two friends this week tried to pursuade me to stay in small rural conservative community where I currently live, and college where I work. I have always lived in large cities with very diverse progressive communities, and I will be moving next to such a place.

After explaining for hours my reasons for leaving and my need to move forward on my spiritual journey, I finaly told these people that I am sorry, but where my spiritual journey takes me is where my journey takes me. Regrettably, they cannot come on my journey as they must travel on their own path.

I realize that when I have been working feverishly nearly everyday on my emotional healing and spiritual work, they have stayed in the same emotional place as when I first met them four years ago. During these four years, they have become codependents while I have been striving to detached and become independent.

Breaking the patterns of codependency is very difficult as I have been a codependent in all my relationships for most of my life. For the first time, I am flying solo and finally feel free from the bondage of codependency.

Many do not understand why I need to break these patterns, because they still practice these negative patterns. They are confused as to why these patterns must change in order to have a healthier, happier, and more peaceful life. It is something they cannot fully understand, but must be experienced.

On some level, we all want the healthier, happier, and more peaceful life, but most are unwilling to give up the old patterns of negative behaviors. These patterns are difficult to break as many are unaware that they are practicing these negative patterns.

In the past, I tried to help others see this negative pattern, but now I do not try as they become extremely defensive and even combative. If a friend asks my opinion, I will share my thoughts, but each person must be ready to hear and face their own darkness on their own time and terms. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

The Dark Night of the Soul of America

As many of you have heard the United States elected Donald Trump to be our next President. Some Americans are in deep shock, mourning, and grief. The reason is President-elect Trump used hate speech, negative rhetoric, and sexist statements and behaviors in his campaign. Many Americans are deeply disturbed and distressed by the election results. How is it possibe that this man has been elected by the majority of our country?

As many of my readers know, I work on a college campus on sexually assaults and discrimination matters involving our students, faculty, and staff. Many of our students have expressed fear for their safety. Our college president recently spoke to the campus to reassure us and to ask for tolerance and civility. I will be meeting with our international students next week to educate them on where and how to receive assistance, protection, and support on our campus.

Amist all this turmoil, my higher self has risen to the challenge. Her voice is louder than ever, and she is no longer a faint voice in the background, but a thundering voice of reason. I believe that my personal spiritual journey of emotional healing has prepared me for what my country is about to face. One by one, countries throughout the world have devolved into hatred, violence, and corruption, even the ones we never expected.

Last Tuesday’s presidential election was the Dark Night of the Soul for America. We are realizing that we don’t live in the country that we believe, we tolerate hate and violence, and we are complicit in oppresssing and marginalizing the less powerful and fortunate. It is a dark place indeed.

As I have personally faced the dark night of the soul more than once, I too reflect on my personal losses. It is through these losses that I realized who I was and what I had become due to my life circumstances. My life had devolved into victimhood, powerlessness, suffering, and perpetual physical and emotional pain. One of my greatest losses was my friend Patricia. She is a spiritual, compassionate, and kind woman who helps the less fortunate.

I was so consumed by my abuses, traumas, pain, suffering, self hate, and negativity that she no longer could tolerate being my friend. This is who I had become, and I lost someone I loved in my life. To this day, I do not blame her for leaving me, as I had become intolerable to be around. It was through these difficult losses in my personal life that forced me to take a deep, hard look at myself, and I did not like what I saw. Patricia reflected back to me who I had become, and I needed to take action to change myself and my life.

Five years ago, I worked in earnest to turn my life around. I left my addictions, negative patterns, rage, and pain behind by confronting my past traumas, abuses, and negative patterns. It was a dark five years for me, but I am now finding light in my life, although all of this is new and unchartered territory for me.

It is a brand new day in my personal life, and with this new found power, I shall share it with my students, community, and country. This power is within each of us, but we must first face our own darkness, before we can find our power and light. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

The Secret to Transformation

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For most of my life, I had been living a life I don’t want. I suffered from childhood abuse, had failed marriages, and attracted drama-filled, self-destructive, and sometimes, violenct lovers and friends, and worked at unfilling jobs – essentially living the life of a victim. I have come to realize that each of us has the power to change our lives for the better.

This change does not require money, status, or influence as it comes from personal power. This power is derived from our courage, intentions, and hard work. These are the most important factors to transformation in our lives, and I am a witness to this.

I never believed I possess this power so I continued to play the victim role in my life. It took great courage to tell those who hurt me, “No more, because I deserve better!” and to eliminate them from my life if they choose to continue. Some people could not stop and could not control themselves from hurting me, and unfortunely, they were asked to leave my life for good.

I now have a vision of what I want my life to look and feel. I follow this feeling of sharing my life with loving, kind, and honest people. I see my life filled with purpose, and my work will empower victims to become survivors. It is my intention that carries me when things get hard and I face obstacles. It is my hard work everyday that manifests my vision and wish for this new life.

Once I envisioned this new life, I realize it is my path forward, and I transform as I walk this path everyday one step at a time. Build the new life you want, and the rest will fall into place. Carpe diem! (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Survivor: No Longer a Victim

During the course of my recent recovery and evolution, I have come to realize an important distinction between victim and survivor. The key distinction is that a victim recognizes the harm or traumatizing experience and does little beyond recognizing it. A survivor goes beyond recognition through action to protective onself.

I have met many people who recognize that they have been victimized. Although it is a important first step to recovery, the mere recognition of your trauma or injury keeps us stuck in victim mode and mentality. This is what happened to me.

As a victim, we are powerless, and we become repeatedly victimized. It is like living in hell when we are forever caught in this vicious victim cycle. As a survivor, we stand up for our selves and we fight back. We refuse to be allowed to be victimized again by stopping the cycle of victimhood. It is this step that allows us to take back our power.

When we merely talk about being harmed and traumized than that is all that we experience. When we begin to take actions to protect ourselves, this is called self love. We must stand up for ourselves and never accept being victimized again as we finally stop the cycle of victimhood. This is the difference between victim and survivor! (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Facing My Dark Night

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During the Dark Night of the Soul, many issues of betrayal and trust have come up for me. In order to engage in healthy relationships with others, I must overcome these fears of betrayal and trust as well as change my own decisions and behaviors. My first experience with betrayal and trust began with my own father who forced me to lie and cover up about my sexual abuse he caused.

Because sexual abuse of your own child is such a taboo in any culture, his survival depended upon my willingness to cover up my own sexual abuse by him. As an adult these type of dynamics repeated in my life where I became involved in relationships where I kept such secrets, and engaged in betrayal and deception.

Five years ago, I was a part of “triangulation” where a man with whom I had an affair was already dating another married woman. In this dynamic, because I dated him later, I became the other woman in this triangle. Throughout this on and off relationship, he hid me from her by hiding our interactions, refusing to acknowledge me on Facebook, and coving up my existence in his life.

There were actually four triangles with three occurring concurrently as this woman was already married so she was having an affair with my ex-boyfriend. Her husband also had an affair unbeknownst to her. My ex-boyfriend while he was still married engaged in an affair with this married woman. He also cheated on her by having me on the side, and I was married at the time. All three marriages in these triangles dissolved and was destroyed by these betrayals and breach of trust. This is karma at work.

As you can already tell by all this drama, betrayal, chaos, and deception, it was all terribly destructive and disturbing. It takes a lot of very emotionally injured people to play out such destruction, and I was just as responsible as all these individuals. In this story, reality was far more destructive and bizarre than fiction.

Now, I am in the process of healing this part of me where I was betrayed, and also became the betrayer myself. This type of “triangulation” is a sign of serious emotional dysfunction caused by past emotional injuries or trauma. In order to heal these parts of us, we must first admit to what we did, and take responsibility for what we did to ourselves and others.

I have set an intention never to repeat these decisions and behaviors again. In fact, my vibrational frequency has changed significantly so that I no longer vibrate with this type of negative vibrational frequency. These behaviors and vibrations no longer resonate with me as I find these behaviors repulsive and dissonant to my current energy.

It is through healing my emotional injuries from childhood and later in adulthood that will give me another chance at my life of being the best possible version of myself, and living on the path of the highest good. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)