relationship – Pathway to Joy and Healing

Letting Go of Codependency

Article by Brooke Chang, Pathway to Joy and Healing

Leaving my Reiki practice was one of the more difficult decisions I’ve had to make, as I recently decided to retire from my practice. This decision came particularly difficult because I truly love and care about my clients. When I realized that my relationship with them had been based on codependency on my part and dependency on many of their parts, I felt that leaving my Reiki practice was the best solution in order to take ownership of this problem.

On a cool January day, I walked with some reservation and anxiety to my Reiki studio located in an older mall with a fountain in its center. As I entered the mall, the smell of disinfectant was strong, and the air was cool since the landlord never turned on the heat. I took the elevator to the second floor where I entered a shared suite and reception lounge. The couch and chairs in the reception lounge were modern with a tree of life sculpture hanging on the wall.

As I unlocked the door to my Reiki studio, the smell of a lavender candle lingered in the air which was used for a client from the previous day. In the Reiki studio, two original abstract landscape paintings by my husband hung on the wall along with my Reiki Therapy certificates. Several Himalayan salt lamps and wicker style furnishings were positioned around the small room. Muted light shone through the frosted windows and door. I felt calmer and less anxious as I prepared to tell my first client that we must conclude our time together and about my retirement from Reiki practice.

When my first client arrived, I greeted her cheerfully in the reception lounge and asked her how she was doing as we walked together to my Reiki studio. I took a deep breath and shared the difficult news about the codependency and dependency relationship that I have with my clients and our need to conclude our sessions due to my retirement. To my surprise, she seemed okay with our concluding. She asked a few questions about my retirement and wished me well. With each client thereafter, we had this discussion where I expressed what I needed to address with each of them.

Codependency defined by Merriam-Webster is a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another person. It places the needs of that person before his or her own. In codependency, a person tries to satisfy the needs of another who may have an addictive or emotionally unstable personality.

My codependency began in my childhood with parents who had addictive and emotionally unstable personalities. I learned to be their emotional care taker, and that setting boundaries was unsafe. My family dynamics were full of abuse, violence, and violation of personal boundaries, as my refusal to comply resulted in more emotional and physical abuse. After I complied with their demands, I suppressed the subsequent rage, anger, sadness, and fear that I felt.

My failure to be able to set healthy personal boundaries plagued me for most of my adult life. I suffered from guilt, obligation, and over-responsibility. My conditioned behaviors continued as I simply gave into others’ demands and gave up my own health, safety, time and resources. This continued into my Reiki Therapy practice.

The dynamic of Reiki Therapy lends itself readily to a codependent practitioner and dependent client relationship. The client has a passive role in their healing as they lie on a Reiki table while the practitioner performs the energy work. The client participates little in this energy healing. The practitioner becomes the caretaker while the client becomes the dependent to this practitioner and her energy work. This dynamic also occurred with my Reiki practitioner, when I received Reiki Therapy earlier on my healing journey.

I further became aware of the lessons that my clients were teaching me. I learned that I can’t save everyone and only they can save themselves. I am only a guide to support their healing journey. I also recognized that I must, as the practitioner, take responsibility to change any unhealthy dynamics with them. I referred many clients to psychotherapy to help them become more independent in their own healing, and to begin to reduce their sessions with me in order to conclude our work together.

Shortly after these conversations with my clients, I experienced a massive energetic heart release. It felt like strong tremors emanating from my heart chakra while I slept; this experience felt like it lasted for hours although I believe it only occurred for several minutes. I had experienced this type of energetic release before after major shifts within my emotional landscape. I also felt a tremendous relief come over me and overall wellbeing. Sadness, loss, and even anger and resentment also came over me, as I re-experienced what I must have suppressed as a child.

The letting go of this codependency is essential for my emotional growth. Each time I let go, I begin to grow, change, and ultimately, heal the trauma that has been stored within my energy field for most of my life. Each growth and change I experience culminates in my spiritual transformation to become the person I am intended to be. Peace and love, Brooke (Copyright 2023 Brooke Chang with all rights reserved. May be reblogged in its entirety with credit to this author, but may not be copied or excerpted.)

Facing My Demons

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As many of my readers know, I am involved in a Twin Flame relationship. This relationship will push us to our limits and force us to face the unresolved demons still within us. This past weekend, I observed myself revert back to my demon of jealousy, anger, and feeling unworthy. I also am understanding how I am relating to sex as I was sexually abused as a child.

This weekend gave me so much insight into my emotional landscape. When my twin directs his attention to other women, I become jealous even when I know these women have no interest whatsoever in my twin, and he has no true sexual or romantic interest in them. Most of his attention toward other women is his attraction to their physical appearance such as staring at their face, legs, and other body parts. I know intellectually that physical attraction is fleeting and physical appearance is temporary.

However, I also know that my jealousy has to do with my feeling unworthy and inadequate. Although the degree of my jealousy is getting better, I still allow jealousy to control me. I know I have wonderful qualities, but something in me feels incomplete. I lack that love that I did not receive from my parents, and feel the hole that still is in my heart.

Much of this feeling of lack resulted from my childhood sexual abuse by my father. This sexual abused made me feel less than human and less than a woman now. Recently, my twin and I explored sexuality beyond my comfort level, but I did not realize it because it felt exciting and stimulating. It took my twin to help me acknowledge this within me. This sexual exploration made me feel excited and stimulated, but they are from my old patterns of my past that I must change for a healthier emotional and sex life.

This is what I learned from this weekend. My twin and I are changing our behaviors during the course of our relationship. We are attempting to change our sex life to a more emotional and spiritual one where physicality becomes less and less important. This is our spiritual journey together, while we process these issues separately then we share our work together. I feel I have passed the first part of an important test, and am so grateful for my twin and my blessings. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Soul Evolution: Karmic, Soulmate, or Twin Flame Relationships

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I am finally far along enough on my spiritual journey to speak a little clearer about my personal understanding and evolution to write about soul relationships. When we are deep in it, it is difficult to differentiate between these three very distinct soul relationships. Karmic and soulmate relationships can involve lovers, family, friends, co-workers, and anyone we encounter. Twin flames or twin souls may begin platonic or remain platonic, but may become romantic when the souls are ready to unite.

My belief is that in all three relationships, our souls have encountered the soul of these individuals before. They are part of our soul group, as we are on similar reincarnation cycles. However, the difference is that they serve different purposes for our soul evolution. On the face of things, we appear to love certain individuals more because of the purpose they serve in our soul evolution, but I believe it is all an illusion of the ego.

So this is how I understand these relationship, but you may have another perspective. First, the karmic relationship, the most difficult of the three, are life lessons that each of our souls must encounter in order to evolve. They are chaotic, unhealthy, addictive, selfish, ego-centered, filled with drama and conflicts, and never appear to work or last. These karmic relationships are intended to help our souls learn life lessons, and learn the difficult art of letting go. They are very critical and important teachers for our souls. Most earth-bound relationships are karmic in nature.

The next category are soulmate as they are those souls who serve to help us on our life journeys as they are compatible to us, provide support and care, and are our cheerleaders in our lives. They are frequently our close friends, siblings, cousins, or other family members. These souls are necessary to help support, care, and love us on our difficult life journey. However, soulmates are not necessarily our lovers or partner.

Finally, there is the twin flame or twin soul relationship. These are completely different than the previous two soul relationships as there are distinct and undeniable signs. The belief is that twin flame/soul are one soul divided into two, similar to identical twins. It is difficult to deny the similarities. Both like similar foods, have similar careers, enjoy similar hobbies, like similar physical contacts, have similar spirits (brave, vulnerable, weak, etc.), live similar lifestyles, lived in similar places, and meet in person organically, as if brought together through synchronicity by the Universe.

Twin flames or souls may not recognized each other, and cannot unite until all the karmic relationships have been let go, life lessons have been learned, and ego is released. However, soulmate relationships still may continue concurrently with twin flame/soul relationships if they are not romantic or sexual. In order for twin flames to unite, both twins must have learned self love, and be able to give and accept unconditional love. Until these steps are accomplished by each twin, there cannot be union.

My observation is that most people who are in karmic or soulmate relationships believe they are with their twin flame. It is again ego’s illusion because we so desperately need someone else to complete us. In this desperation, we fool ourselves into believing this, so ego does not need to be released, and we don’t need to do the necessary, difficult emotional and spiritual work.

So here is my belief about karmic, soulmate, and twin flame/soul relationships. They all serve very important roles for our soul evolution. One is not necessarily worse or better than another soul relationship category, since they are all here to help our souls evolve and help us live through our highest potential. (Awakening Journey Copyright 2017 with All Rights Reserved).

Relearning Love

During this phase of my spiritual journey, I am relearning love. In my family of origin, I associated love with abuse, violence, narcissism, and fear. The lessons I learned in the past five years taught me that love does not involve yearning, clinging, cravings, insecurity, possession, or jealousy. I have come to realize that I have never truly loved anyone and have never truly been loved by anyone.

I am relearning how to love now in my life. As I have recently learned how to love myself, I am learning how to love others unconditionally. Love is behavior we learn through our family of origin. As an adult now, I am having to relearn how to love others and myself.

Love, particular romantic love, feels very different for me than from my past. I realize now that love is peaceful and safe. It is not only the intensity of sexual attraction which I believe is temporary. Love feels very different for me now, because the yearning, craving, insecurity, and fear no longer exist in my relationships. Even my friendships, feel different than in my past because they involve mutual respect of our needs and boundaries.

As I progressed in my spiritual journey, I am relearning and experiencing my world completely differently. Sometimes, it feels like I am living another life as someone else. As I experienced my world now, my higher self is telling me that this is real love and that my life has changed forever. ( copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with all rights reserved.)

Building Trust

As many of my readers know about my history, my father was a philanderer who lied to my family to hide his philandering. As an adult, I became attracted to philanderers and liars. My resulting adult life was filled with angst of distrusting men and suspicious of their intentions and actions. In the recent past, a man I dated brought many of these fears to the surface. While dating me, he was involved with countless other women and passed a deadly sexually transmitted disease to me and other women. This relationship really shook me and caused me to shy away from sex all together.

On this phase of my journey, I am attempting to overcome my distrust of men. First, I am aware of my feelings of distrust caused by my past experiences. In my current relationship, I am dealing with these waves of fear of being hurt and lied to again in my life. As these waves come over me, I allow them to release without reacting to them. I realize that all men have women friends as long we have a solid relationship, those other women do not bother me.

With philandering men, I notice that their attention and time are frequently redirected to the interest of other women at the expense of passing up time with me. As I am an intuit, I know when someone is lying to me, or attempting to deceive me. I frequently have confronted them to their dismay.

Every man deserves a chance. However, once they stray then I move on as I believe I deserve so much better. I don’t need leftovers as there are many fish in the sea. If we don’t demand better treatment, then we will never receive better treatment. This is what I have learned the hard way. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Closure of Our Past

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At the end of each phase of our emotional and spiritual growth, we need closure and house cleaning of sorts. They are closure on relationships that no longer conform to how we live or want to live our my lives. Similar to alcoholic who want to change and quit drinking, they must let go of their drinking buddies and friends. Similar to any addiction, negative behaviors and thinking are addictions. We become habituated to these negative actions and beliefs.

As I leave my current job and home, I am saying good-bye to others. It is letting them go as I move forward in my life. I have become a stranger to them as I have transformed to someone who does not conform to their way of behaving or thinking. I think it is puzzling and difficult for them as I simply do not agree with them on many things. I am in the processing of letting them go, and soon I will no longer feel sad about losing my past.

It has been eye opening to see who I have become as I interact with those in my past. I have a different voice and an inner strength that I have only recently come to recognize as me. There is a reason all this is happening to me, and this reason is causing the change in my life. It is painful and hard, but it is for my highest good.

Everyday, I say to myself, let go , let go, and someday it will no longer feel so painful and hard to let go of my past. Until we release our past, we will be forever imprisoned by it. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Healing the Trifecta

There are three other members of my immediate family, including my parents and my younger brother. Because of the abuse and dysfunctions within my family, which I believe is our family karma, I needed to overcome the abuse and dysfunctions of my family, including the roles I played with each member of my family.

About five years ago, I encountered a Kundalini active man who represented my father. He sexually assaulted me, gave me a sexually transmitted disease, and emotionally manipulated me for my money, although I was not the only woman in this situation. When I met him, I knew he represented my father, and I think he knew it too as I told him frequently.

Because I wanted to be near him, I applied for a job at the college where he works. When I arrived at this college, I worked for a supervisor who is very mentally ill, irrational, and emotionally unstable. When I began working for her, I realized that she represented my mother.

During these five years, I worked to overcome my fears of these two individuals as I was terrified, sad, and felt powerless around them. I learned to stand up for myself, learned that I am worthy and deserve good things, and stopped giving my power to them. Almost two years ago, I walked away from this man in March 2015, and during this same month, my supervisor was fired from her job although she was given the opportunity to retire.

Strangely, in March 2015, I hired a new staff member for my office who represents my brother. He is a codepedent who also suffered childhood abuse in his life, and we share a similar relationship like the one I have with my brother. During these nearly two years, I trained him for the job in my office. However, I also knew that as long as I was his supervisor, he would continue to stay as a codependent. My leaving this college will empower him to become independent.

Recently, I accepted another university job in California, and will be leaving my current college. I realized that I needed to leave this college, because my job is done here as I have overcome my role with my father, mother, and brother. My family lives in California, and I am finally ready to be with them as I already have practiced how to be with them.

I have gained self esteem, learned self love, and now am able to stand up for myself without needing their approval or acceptance of me. It is through these difficult interactions and healing my emotional wounds that will allow me to finally be with my family without becoming a victim again. Since I am different, my relationships with my family will be different too. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Reflections of the Journey

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During my spiritual journey, I have encountered so many people. Some helped and supported me, some taught me lessons, and some reflected back the unhealed wounds within me. Whoever they were, I had a chance to observe their progress, some from afar. It is a miraculous things to see others moving forward on their journeys, and many returning home to their loved ones.

For examples, my ex-husband who lived for years alone in the mountains of Virginia away from people has decided to return home to his family in Michigan. Many have returned home after searching far and wide for sanctuary, escape, or adventure. Whatever the purpose for our journeys, I observe others moving forward, and that makes my heart happy for them. It is saddest to see people staying stuck somewhere they don’t belong. Maybe because I remained stuck for many years, floundering, lost, and suffering, and I do not wish this on anyone else.

Today, I said good-bye to my ex-husband as we both have moved forward on our respective paths. It has been an emotional day of letting go. It feels different than my past departures as it feels like releasing all the hurt and allowing myself to heal. It feels more like the pieces coming together rather than pieces falling apart. With each good-bye, my heart mends as I know I am no longer running away from my past, but moving toward my future.

As we embraced each other in tears, we let each other go onto our futures. They were not tears of regret or hurt, but joy that we crossed paths on our life journeys. My heart is full with gratitude rather than empty with resentment, as I will always love those I have loved even if I am no longer with them. (Copywrite 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

The Right Path?

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How do you know if you are on the right path for your life? This is how you know. The path comes naturally without great struggle or resistance. You will be chosen for the job that is right for you when you are ready. You will just meet the person who is right for you when you are ready. I am not saying that you don’t need to apply for the job or show up to the interview on time, or that you don’t need to work on relationships.

The things that are meant for us will come to us when we are ready. It will appear through synchronicity. If you struggle or feel resistance, it is because it is what your ego wants so you try to control it. The trick is to find acceptance when you don’t get what you want, because it is not meant for you.

This may seem counter-intuitive because we have been taught to go out there and get what you want. What we have control of is giving our best effort and working hard in our work and relationships. It is not to force and control ourselves and others into a job or relationship we “want.”

Breaking the Bonds of Codependency

This weekend is a great exercise in letting go, and breaking free from codependency. Codependency is the oppositve of love as it is our need to fill the void by another because we cannot love ourselves. Do not confused codependency with love. If you have not learned to love yourself first, your relationships are codependencies.

Two friends this week tried to pursuade me to stay in small rural conservative community where I currently live, and college where I work. I have always lived in large cities with very diverse progressive communities, and I will be moving next to such a place.

After explaining for hours my reasons for leaving and my need to move forward on my spiritual journey, I finaly told these people that I am sorry, but where my spiritual journey takes me is where my journey takes me. Regrettably, they cannot come on my journey as they must travel on their own path.

I realize that when I have been working feverishly nearly everyday on my emotional healing and spiritual work, they have stayed in the same emotional place as when I first met them four years ago. During these four years, they have become codependents while I have been striving to detached and become independent.

Breaking the patterns of codependency is very difficult as I have been a codependent in all my relationships for most of my life. For the first time, I am flying solo and finally feel free from the bondage of codependency.

Many do not understand why I need to break these patterns, because they still practice these negative patterns. They are confused as to why these patterns must change in order to have a healthier, happier, and more peaceful life. It is something they cannot fully understand, but must be experienced.

On some level, we all want the healthier, happier, and more peaceful life, but most are unwilling to give up the old patterns of negative behaviors. These patterns are difficult to break as many are unaware that they are practicing these negative patterns.

In the past, I tried to help others see this negative pattern, but now I do not try as they become extremely defensive and even combative. If a friend asks my opinion, I will share my thoughts, but each person must be ready to hear and face their own darkness on their own time and terms. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)