PATHWAY TO JOY AND HEALING

Article by Brooke Chang, Pathway to Joy and Healing

My mother passed away recently providing insights into my relationship with her and other relationships in my life. I had a complicated relationship with my mother. She left me at age one in Taiwan, first with my maternal grandparents then I was shuttled to my paternal grandparents. I lived with my paternal grandparents for seven years who served as loving parents to me. At age eight, my parents retrieved me from my paternal grandparents breaking their hearts and mine.

When I arrived to my parents’ home in the United States, I found a mentally ill mother. She blamed me for her horrible experiences and decisions in her life, including marrying my abusive and philandering father. Initially, I didn’t understand her ill against me as she treated my brother and others quite kindly. The focus of her rage and resentment was directed toward me.

As I became an adult, I realized that she became pregnant with me before she married my father in Taiwan. It was a shot gun wedding, as my father was preparing to leave Taiwan for graduate school in the United States. Was this pregnancy her deliberate attempt to trap him? Only she knew this answer.

She complained to me that my father showed little affection toward her in the beginning of their marriage as he was in love with another graduate student after arriving to the United States. Maybe, he simply didn’t want to marry her?

My physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother began as soon as I arrived in her home. Sadly, she was abused by her father who blamed her for being a girl, since he wished for a boy when their elder child already was a girl. This refusal to take responsibility for their lives and decisions was a theme in my relationship with my mother and within my family dynamics.

After years of therapy, and at the recommendation of my therapist, I ceased contacts with my mother until her death, since these contacts resulted in suicidal ideations throughout my earlier life. As part of my healing work, I decided that I wouldn’t repeat the same cycle of blaming others for my failures and decisions. From the inception of my healing work, my goal was to release my anger and rage toward my mother. Even if she caused my trauma and abuse, I now must take responsibility for my own wellbeing. I choose to heal the hurt and pain she caused me.

Recently after her death, I had the most vivid dream about her. I felt extremely sad during this dream. In this dream, I was face to face with a woman who I feared and believed she was my mother. I hugged her and said to her, “I’m sorry we were not meant to be together in this life time.” When I awoke, I felt this relief within as this was what I needed to accept about my relationship with her. I needed to let go of the expectation of a mother-daughter relationship we never had, and my guilt from the necessary separation from her.

This was the only dream I ever had about my mother that felt forgiving. Maybe, I finally forgave her and myself for the loving relationship we never had? Maybe in her death, I finally forgave her for never being the mother I needed her to be?

(Copyright 2023 W. Brooke Chang with all rights reserved. The contents may be reblogged in its entirety or hyperlinked to this article with credit to the author, but may not be duplicated, copied, or excerpted.)

If you enjoyed this post, please leave me a message below and subscribe to my blog! 🙂